Possible signs that I place WAY too much importance on my fandom life

[tj_dragonblade]

I honestly don't know why I'm posting this, except that I seem to have a need to talk it through before I go do what I'm pretty well already decided to do.

I think I'm going to read a fic. Or few.

This is of course not a strange thing in and of itself. But...see, it's DS9 slash fic. And while sure I spent a good three years or so thoroughly immersed/obsessed in the show back in the day (has it really been...holy crap, it's been 13 years since then...), it predates my exposure to yaoi/slash. Garak and Bashir were always my absolute favorite characters (hell, I had a very Sue-ish virginal crush on Bashir with many a ficcish entry in my old diaries to prove it, but we won't go into that. ^_^; ). But I never, ever would have thought to put them together. I was only just beginning to grow beyond the tenets of the religion in which I'd been raised; sex (much less homosexuality or anything resembling it) was pretty well the farthest thing from my mind.

That said, I fully recognize that if I was discovering the fandom now, the probability is astronomically high that I'd be a die-hard rabid Garak/Bashir fangirl. The idea appeals to me, I can look back and see boatloads of material to go from, and truth be told, there's a part of me that counts myself a silent fangirl and wants to go exploring it now anyway.

But. On the other hand, there's the fact that slash relationships in fandoms that predate my introduction to slash weird me out like you wouldn't believe. Something on the order of tampering with childhood nostalgia/innocence/illusions and the like. Which has left the whole idea of Garak/Bashir tucked up in the corner shelf of the back storage closet in my mind.

Until a couple days ago. See, in the course of recent KakaIru binge reading, I turned up an author's website containing a nice neat list of everything s/he's written by fandom, and a couple sections below Naruto it said DS9. With three fics listed, all Garak/Bashir, none of them rated below R.

I can't tell you how long I stared at that, deliberating, pondering, dancing back and forth on the issues in my head, blushing all the while, no less, hovering over the links and not quite sure if I really wanted to click.

In the end, I left it alone.

But the idea has not returned the favor. It's been quietly poking at the back of my brain ever since, insidious and subversive (it's Garak, for gods' sakes; what else did I expect?); I've gone back and stared at the links awhile more one day, avoided them the next, went back and actually clicked one, skimmed far enough to place the story in canon and then hastily retreated before I could really absorb anything else.

I'm...wary, cautious...or perhaps skittish, I guess is the best word. I'd liken it to running into an old friend after several years and discovering that what used to be purely platonic now has a sexual undercurrent and trying to decide if exploring that undercurrent is worth risking/altering the old friendship.

Do I want to sexualize these characters in my mind? Yes, of course, says one part of my mind, and Oh dear lord what am I *thinking*? says another.

I'm reminded of my introduction to Hakuryuu porn, in a way, with the equal pull of fascination vs. squick.

Seeing how well that's turned out, though, it's something of an inevitibility that I'd break down and read the fics. I mean, stepping outside one's comfort zones every so often is a good thing, right?

There's also the concern about quality of writing - is it going to be IC? Feel right? God help me, I don't think I could handle Garak and mushy-sap in any context to one another without suffering a mental processor crash of biblical proportions. Error. Error. Does not compute.

But this author in question did a perfectly decent job of it with KakaIru, so odds are the Garak/Bashir wouldn't be dreadfully OOC either. That really can't be an excuse.

Neither can the pre-slash fandom thing, honestly, when I look at Xmen and where I tend to stand on Logurt nowadays. It's really just a matter of deciding to pursue and getting past that threshold.

Which I guess means I'm off to read. The R-rated one; plunging headlong into an NC17 is probably not the best of ideas at this point. Really, I'd probably do better with a softer rating straight out of the gate, but...well. Here I am.

Wish me luck.

...And it's odd as fucking hell that the iPod should present with the current music as I'm writing this post - DS9 is the only reason I know and have the song. Though I'd like very much to have a version with Avery Brooks' vocals, instead. *eyes the Pod with suspicion*

Comments

[aliaswestgate.livejournal.com]

Oddly, it took Gundam Wing to get me used to the idea of slash, but Saiyuki to get me writing it. I couldn't see the slash in a lot of my old scifi shows either. Yet now i look back on all the original ST:TOS shows and especially the films. ST:The SEarch For Spock really nailed it in there. The chemistry was too strong to deny between those two, so i can see it as plausible nowadays without too much mental squick ruining my childhood.

But it also helps that we've got the new versions of Hope and Crosby with a dash of a Kirk and Spock in John and Rodney in SGA. I can't help but love them and they've got that once in a generation type of chemistry that just FITS the characters. Doesn't help that season 3 and 4 pretty much cemented the fact that John is utterly devoted to Rodney... *grin*

[tentiqa.livejournal.com]

Whoa. That is an issue. I have the same issue with Rurouni Kenshin. KenshinxSano, I watched the anime when I was about 10, totally clueless about shonen ai and watched it for the fight scenes. >> Then, now, I am almost squicked out by the total amout of FF that has him not with Kaoru.

Never seen DS9, so I can't really say anything about it. ^^ Good luck with whatever you do. ^^

[marasmine.livejournal.com]

Isn't it weird when you find one of those little mental timebombs? I hope the fic (and aftermath) doesn't do any serious damage. Maybe you have enough distance from the series to adapt to this new interpretation without undue trauma. Good luck!

[thefacelessevil.livejournal.com]

Garak and Bashir were always my absolute favorite characters (hell, I had a very Sue-ish virginal crush on Bashir with many a ficcish entry in my old diaries to prove it, but we won't go into that. ^_^; ). But I never, ever would have thought to put them together. I was only just beginning to grow beyond the tenets of the religion in which I'd been raised; sex (much less homosexuality or anything resembling it) was pretty well the farthest thing from my mind.

It's like... You're typing straight from my mind. That's exactly how I was.

Now I RP Garak/Bashir, even years later... Garak has anatomy like I picture Goujun to have (yanno, the slit and all that), and it's so much fun. Have you ever read Garak's book? The one written by his actor? Oh man, it's like him and Bashir were MADE to get together.

[nightengale.livejournal.com]

slash relationships in fandoms that predate my introduction to slash weird me out like you wouldn't believe.

I know that feeling SO well. There's reasons I rarely go back to my original shows these days.

If a fic is bad, are you able to leave it midway? Or are you one of those readers who feels compelled to read all the way through, regardless of quality?

As for your current music...well. All I can say is that, in my experience and despite all its snark, pT tends to take care of a body when you really need it. ♥

[nightengale.livejournal.com]

PS, no, your cut tag is wrong. You aren't spending "too much" time thinking about your fannish life at all. You've said many times that online you're more honest with yourself and with others than you are offline. Respect that, because we certainly do. ♥

Unrelatedly, Joey says hi.