tj_dragonblade | Fic for Inyx-sama

Title: All He Needs Now is an Icha Icha Book. And Maybe Some Clothes.
Author: TJ Dragonblade
Fandom: Gundam Wing
Pairing: 2x5x2
Rated: Ehh...15+
Genre: Humor. Crack!fic.
Warnings: Dialogue-fic. Yaoi. Language. Cross-fandom contamination. A little crack, a little smut, and probably a little sap as well. Experimental and un-beta'd and banking heavily on my casual acquaintance with Naruto, so familiarity on that count will be helpful in the reading. Bonus points for getting the passing FMA joke that insisted on including itself.

Setting: Generically Preventers era, near Halloween
Summary: What if Duo had a cosplay kink?

Notes: Inyx-sama was bored at work Wednesday. She caught me on gmail. This whole bloody thing is entirely her fault. *blows a kiss* For you, Babe.

=========

"...Duo."

"...Yeah?"

"What are you hiding behind your back?"

"Um...nothing?"

"Maxwell. I am neither blind nor stupid, thank you."

"Okay, fine. Here."

"...White hair color."

"Light grey, actually."

"...This is Trowa's hair gel, is it not?"

"Yep."

"A costume contact lens, and scar putty."

"Yep."

"And a Naruto headband."

"Yep."

"...No."

"Wha?"

"No."

"But Fei--"

"NO."

"Aw, come ON! Why not?"

"I do not dress up for parties. I don't care how much you have wagered Sally; you will not get me costumed in public!"

"Aren't you forgettin' about--"

"Ever again!"

"Sheesh. Ya don't hafta yell."

"Nor do you have to devise innovative new ways to amuse yourself at my expense, yet you continually do so!"

"...I wasn't trying to embarrass you, Fei. I just thought it'd look good on you. I mean yeah, you're a little short to pull it off, but you've totally got the body for it."

"Short??"

"And built! Don't forget built! Jesus, calm down, okay?? It's not like I asked you to cosplay Ed Elric! God!"

"...Why me? Have I offended some deity in a prior lifetime? Honestly."

"..."

"Stop pouting, Duo. I am calm now, see?"

"..."

"...What?"

"...If it's really such a blow to your dignity, Fei, I'll drop it. The Preventers' Halloween party can survive without a petite Kakashi-sensei."

"...How much do you lose on the bet, if I do not?"

"No wager. Not this time."

"Riiiiight."

"Honest, Fei! Sally wanted to bet me that you wouldn't, sure, but I didn't take her up on it!"

"...Really."

"I don't lie, Fei. You know that."

"...Really?"

"Yes, really."

"...You are not trying to get me into costume for the sake of winning a bet."

"How many times do I have to say 'NO'?"

"...I see. I apologize, then, for yelling at you."

"S'ok."

"...You really wanted to see me dressed up?"

"Yeah."

"Just for the sake of it."

"Yeah."

"Then...gah. I do not believe I'm saying this."

"What?"

"If it means that much to you, I will swallow my pride."

"Really??"

"I will be terrible at acting the part. But I will do it. For you. Just this ONCE, do you hear me?"

"Sir, yes sir! I hear you loud and clear!"

"The things I do...of all the...feh. Are we starting with the dye?"

"The party's not 'til Saturday."

"I assume you will need to practice at least once to get it right, will you not?"

"Ooh. Good thinking. Now?"

"I may as well get it over with."

"..."

"...Stop grinning like an idiot and give me the thrice-damned haircolor."

~~~*~~~
"Okay. Eye's in. Scar looks good. We'll worry about the headband later. Hair's good and grey--"

"It still looks white to me."

"Either way, it's one of the more important features so let's get it up and get it right."

"You do it."

"Here, gimme the gel."

"..."

"God, this stuff feels...weird."

"Is that enough?"

"Trowa says it doesn't take much. Swears by it."

"Hn."

"And up we go!"

"...Good lord."

"Hee."

"It...it really does defy gravity."

"You doubted? After how many years lookin' at Tro-bot's 'do?"

"...Where does he find this?"

"He wouldn't tell. And we can't use all of it either, or he'll be--quote--'a bit upset'."

"...You told him what you planned to do."

"I asked if I could use it. I didn't tell him what for. I do have a little tact, Fei."

"Merciful Guan Yin, this humble person thanks you profusely for your small blessings."

"You're welcome."

"I was not talking to you."

"Mmh."

"Are you finished yet?"

"Mmh. Uh-uh. Needs to come this way a little more...this bit should stick out a little...this needs to swirl that way a bit...there. All done. Mirror?"

"If I must."

"Here."

"..."

"Eh?"

"...I will admit, you do good work."

"Damn straight. Gimme a cool, laid-back imposing stare."

"..."

"...Oh, god you look hot."

"...Hn."

"Hee. Is that a blush, Kakashi-sensei?"

"...Where is the rest of the costume?"

"...The what?"

"The rest of the costume? Mask? Shirt? Vest? Oh, say, pants, perhaps?"

"Ah. Yeah. I didn't bother to pick up any of that."

"You...what?"

"I didn't figure you'd need it."

"...Gods, Maxwell--"

"What? I knew it'd look good on you, and I didn't figure we'd ever really make it past the bedroom--"

"...You--"

"...ulp?"

"Of all the..."

"Ooooh, lord. Towel-clad Kakashi-sensei stalking toward me in righteous fury--I think I'm gonna cream myself!"

"You--"

"...God!"

"--insufferable--"

"Nnnhh--"

"--little--"

"--uh huh--"

"...You truly are getting off on this, aren't you."

"Hell yeah. This is so fucking hot."

"..."

"...Um. Fei?"

"...I warn you, Duo. Kakashi-sensei is a master of the bedroom arts, and knows all manner of 'jutsu' that I very much doubt a young genin like yourself is ready to experience."

"Oh, fuck me--"

"Indeed."

"I wasn't kiddin' about creamin' my pants, Fei--"

"Call me Sensei, Duo."

"Yes Sensoh god. Oh god don't touch me Fei I'm--oh--! Ohgod ohgod ohgod--! Oh, shiiiiiit."

"..."

"..."

"...Well. I see the first order of training for you is stamina."

"...Shut...shut up. I couldn't help...couldn't help it. Damn you!"

"Damn me?"

"I didn't want it to be over that fast!"

"Do you honestly mean to tell me that faced with this--"

"Ohmygodtowel--"

"--you still find yourself uninspired to repeat your ever so impressive performance?"

"...Fuck you. Just gimme a second."

"I knew you had it in you. You make your Sensei proud, Duo."

"Unh."

"..."

"..."

"...God, you taste good. I love kissing you."

"Mmh."

"..."

"Mmh. Duo."

"Nnh?"

"Kakashi-sensei would like to have you in his bed."

"But...Sensei, is that proper?"

"Mmh. Not...entirely."

"Nnhuh."

"Do you object, my little genin?"

"Hee. Not really. 'Specially since you're already naked."

"..."

"Sensei...what're you--mmh--doing?"

"Your pants are ruined. I am removing them for you."

"What a very convenient excuse."

"A genin should not mouth off to his sensei, Duo."

"Ah...sorry?"

"Mmh."

"Still wanna take me to bed?"

"Mm hmm."

"..."

"..."

"You gotta...stop kissing...me first."

"Mm. Mmhmm."

"Or y'could carry me..."

"As you like."

"I was kiddi--yuh? Oh."

"Wrap your legs around me, Duo. I am not so short that I cannot manage."

"...'Kay then."

"You see?"

"Eheh. Take me to bed, Sensei."

"You must learn to respect your instructor, Duo. Say 'please'."

"Nnh. Pleeeaaase?"

"With pleasure."

~~~*~~~
"Unh. Wow."

"..."

"God, Fei. I will never get tired of that."

"...I am exhausted."

"Me, I need a cigarette."

"You do not smoke, Duo."

"Well, duh, Sherlock. That's the point. Take a compliment, you nitwit."

"..."

"..."

"You could have told me to begin with that you did not intend this...ah, 'costume'...for public use."

"...Uhm. Didn't I?"

"...No, Maxwell. You most decidedly did not."

"...Oh."

"Do not think for one second that I will ever believe you are that empty-headed."

"...you distracted me?"

"..."

"Okay, fine, fine, I did it on purpose."

"Well, duh, Sherlock."

"...You said 'duh'."

"I was mimicking you."

"It's cute."

"..."

"Well it is."

"..."

"What?"

"You were confessing."

"I was?"

"..."

"Fine, okay, yeah. I did it on purpose. It's fun to get you all riled up."

"...Oh, really."

"Heheheh. Yep."

"I would be careful about entertaining yourself in such a manner, if I were you."

"Nnh. Why?"

"Because--"

"Oof--you're heavy--"

"--Kakashi-sensei also knows many creative Secret Ninja Forms of Punishment, and he is not at all shy about putting them to use on any cheeky, smart-mouthed genin under his tutelage."

"Ooooh. Promise?"

"Deviant."

"Damn straight. And you wouldn't have it any other way."

"Mmh."

"..."

"..."

"...Ooh. Do that again."

"..."

"Ahh--just like that, yeah--"

"Mmh. Mmhmm..."

"God, you're incredible, baby--"

"Mmh. I know."

"And so humble, too. How'd I ever get so lucky?"

"Duo."

"Nnh?"

"Shut up."

"Yes, Sensei."

~~~*~~~
"You will pick up the rest of the costume before the party tomorrow."

"...I will?"

"You will."

"But I thought--"

"One of the many forms of punishment in which Kakashi-sensei is skilled: Teasing."

"...Do that again."

"What?"

"That jutsu-thing with the hands. It's hot. Especially when you're smirking like that."

"You will pick up the full costume."

"Hell. Yes, Sen--wait. Whaddya mean, 'teasing'?"

"If the incomplete costume is enough to drive you so crazy as you got last night, I can only imagine what the complete costume in a room full of people where you cannot touch me will do..."

"But...Fei-fei, that's evil!"

"Of course. And well worth my pride to find out."

"...You're evil!"

"Of course."

"Oh goddammit."

"Hn."

-----
Written: 9/7/06
Polished: 9/8/06
Posted: 9/9/06

My apologies for the ridiculous title. It's been the one un-cooperative thing about this whole little endeavor.

For the curious, it was a series of comments and conversations ~~and droolings~~ centered around this pic, which is the work of a fanartist by the name of Cheryl Austin, that set things rolling.