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konnyakuhonyaku there were translations posted last Spring of the comparative analysis section of Saiyuubito, wherein Minekura compares the original Journey to the West characters with her own Saiyuki counterparts. The end of Jeep's section contains this enlightening little tidbit:
The original dragon horse helps out Goku and the others by turning into a beautiful woman, and marking with golden poo and the like.*
This is perhaps the worst Jeep fic ever, but the bunny was rabid and it bit hard. Oh, god, I can't believe I wrote this. Please forgive me. T_T
Title: When the Chips Are Down
Author: TJ Dragonblade
Fandom: Saiyuki
Rated: 13+, (mostly) for language
Genre: Gen-fic
Characters: The Sanzo-less Party
Wordcount: 1776
Setting: An alternate take on the 'sell my body' scene, Reload vol 7.
Warning: If the notations under 'character' and 'setting' don't ring a bell, then beware mild spoilers ahead. Also, I point your attention to the phrase 'golden poo' above. >_<
Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura. No disrespect or copyright infringement intended.
Summary: When money is scarce, Jiipu helps out.
~~~***~~~
This was ridiculous.
This entire situation was completely ridiculous.
Here they were, a joint entity of noble purpose (if not always noble means) for well over a year, and their head had suddenly up and abandoned them.
Jiipu was sure that Sanzo had his reasons, but he was not inclined to be entirely forgiving of such a trespass just yet.
Especially when things had come to this.
"Are you telling me," Hakkai said, and his voice was soft, low, with a cold and dangerous edge, "that two grown men, at your ages, who have never worked an honest day between you, are asking me to sell my body to support you?"
Gojyo and Goku, in an admirable nod to their survival instincts, fell all over themselves trying to assure him that it needn't come to that.
"Kidding! I was KIDDING!"
"I'll do whatever ya say, Hakkai!"
Jiipu snorted, unimpressed. Hakkai was somewhat less cynical, and rather more encouraging.
"Well, then," he said, and the threat in his voice was gone as though it had never existed, "why don't the two of you figure out what sort of jobs you'd be best at so that all of us can begin looking for work in the morning?"
"I...could...tend bar, maybe?" Gojyo sounded to be grasping at straws.
"Yeah, yeah, an' I'll help out in th' kitchens or somethin'!"
"Or maybe some hot nightspot could use a handsome guy like me to let the ladies in, eh?"
Goku snorted. "Right, 'cause this place is just crammed fulla hot nightspots."
"Every town's gotta have one, at least!"
"If they do, then it's more like they need me to help keep pervy cockroach-kappas like you out!"
"Listen monkey--"
"Both of you, stay on track, please," Hakkai interrupted, a thin layer of steel underneath the mild words.
And so the conversation went, in fits and starts; Jiipu sighed, contemplated, and came to a decision. Hakkai would manage quite well on his own, to be sure, but the other two would be absolutely hopeless at anything they were listing off. He was quite certain that Hakkai had not been serious about selling his body, but Jiipu was not about to let any of his charges fall so low as that regardless.
"Kyuu," he chirped, interrupting Gojyo's speculations as to what a bouncer at the local strip bar might get paid, and hopped up onto the table with a quick flutter of wings. He circled a time or two next to Hakkai, gathering what remained of his transformative energies and steeling himself for what he was about to do. Gojyo would have scathing words to say about it for many months to come, he was quite sure, but his own pride became a secondary consideration in the face of their dire circumstances.
"Jiipu? What is it?"
"Kyuu," he answered, dismissive reassurance to Hakkai's concern; then, with as much dignity as he could muster, Jiipu squatted.
"Eww, Hakkai, I think he needs to--"
Goku's words were cut off by the soft rattling plink of several small, metallic pellets dropping to the table's surface from beneath Jiipu's tail.
There was silence for a few seconds, then:
"Holy crap--the little fucker can shit gold??"
"Gojyo," Hakkai admonished, but his eyes were round and wide. Tentatively he reached to touch one of the pellets, then picked it up to examine more closely.
"It...appears to be genuine gold," he said at last, straightening his monocle, and placed the pellet carefully back atop the rest. "What remarkable good fortune."
"Awesome!" exclaimed Goku, leaning closer to the pile for a better look. "This means we can eat as much as we want, right?"
"Within reason, Goku," Hakkai allowed, beginning to recover from his surprise. "Having money is no reason to squander it at first opportunity."
"Even with Poop the Magic Dragon, here?" Gojyo's jubilant grin was entirely irreverent, as was the finger he poked at Jiipu's belly. "I mean yeah, it's gross, but I bet he could keep us living like kings the whole way to India, if he wanted. All he's gotta do is take a dump whenever we run out of cash!" He reached to ruffle Jiipu's head, the way he often did with Goku.
Jiipu was exhausted, having expended so much of his transformative energy; producing gold was infinitely more difficult and draining than turning into a Jeep, and he had already been driving the full day beforehand. He was in absolutely no mood for idiocy, well intentioned or otherwise.
He bit.
"Ow!" Gojyo jerked back, nursing his finger, and glared. "Listen here, you little--"
Gojyo made as if to grab at him, but stopped short when Hakkai's hand clamped around his wrist. Jiipu noted Gojyo's wince with no small amount of vindictive satisfaction.
"Gojyo," Hakkai admonished again, a rather frigid note to it this time. Light glanced from the lens of his monocle.
Gojyo shook his hand free. "Aw, come on, Hakkai! You're lettin' him get away with that? Just 'cause the damn monk's not here doesn't mean the dragon's gotta take over bein' all bitchy and sour-tempered!"
Jiipu hissed, feeling every bit as sour-tempered as Gojyo had accused.
"Jiipu is quite obviously exhausted," Hakkai said, in a tone that brooked no argument and threatened dire consequences to any who failed to take heed. "If his temper is somewhat frayed, you and I and Goku will cater to his mood accordingly. He has done us a great kindness, wouldn't you agree?"
"Well--I...yeah, but--" Gojyo visibly ran up against the stone wall of Hakkai's will; he blinked once, twice, and deflated. He blew out a frustrated huff of resignation and changed the subject. "So why's he never done it before?"
"We've always had the Sanbutsushin's gold card, in the past," Hakkai reminded him, most of the danger easing out of his tone. "It's clear to see that this was quite a difficult thing for him to manage, and I imagine he's only done so now because our situation has sunk low enough to merit whatever it costs him."
"Kyuu," Jiipu agreed, entirely grateful for Hakkai's intelligence. He glowered at Gojyo a brief moment longer, just for good measure.
Gojyo rolled his eyes, but managed to restrain himself from making any other sort of comeback.
"So we don't hafta find jobs, and we keep goin' an' beat Sanzo to the West, right?" Goku, wisely silent throughout Hakkai's reprimand, brought the conversation's focus back where it belonged.
"Yes, I suppose that's true," Hakkai agreed, straightening up. "But we can certainly eat well and get a good night's sleep first. Tonight, you may order whatever you like, Goku."
Goku's eyes went large and round, shining just like the gold on the table. "Really? Anything I want?"
Jiipu decided that putting that much happiness in the boy's face, however briefly and particularly given Sanzo's absence, made the sacrifice of his own dignity all the more worth it.
"Yes," Hakkai beamed; then added, at Goku's enthusiastic exclamation, "But please, do share with Jiipu; he needs to replenish his strength."
"Okay, Hakkai!" Goku leaned across the table and past the pile of gold, scooped up Jiipu and plopped him unceremoniously where his own plate belonged, then snapped up the sizeable menu card so they both could browse. "So, Jiipu, whaddya wanna eat?" He hardly drew breath--much less gave Jiipu time to answer--then: "We should have steamed buns and meat buns and fried rice and sticky rice an' spring rolls an' onion tempura an' teriyaki eggplant an' ginger chicken an' roast duck an' plum sauce an' stir-fried beef an' lo mein an' chow mein an' yakisoba an'--"
Jiipu tuned him out for a moment, satisfied that there would be plenty for everyone.
"What happened to 'within reason'?" Gojyo muttered underneath Goku's excitement. He slumped in his chair and fumbled his lighter out of his pocket, an unlit cigarette between his lips.
Hakkai turned to him, smile razor-bright and blindingly cheerful. "Gojyo, take two gold pieces and procure us a room for the night, please. Also, ask them to find us a suitable purse so that we can carry the rest of this."
"Fuck no, I'm not touching that! I saw where it came from!"
"Gojyo."
"...Fuck. Fine, dammit! FINE!" Gojyo jabbed the cigarette behind his ear, swiped two of the gold pellets from the table and stalked off toward the front desk.
Jiipu smirked.
"--an' takoyaki an' yakiniku an' shrimp tempura and th' barbecued pork, an' some potstickers," Goku was saying, and Jiipu chirped his agreement.
Hakkai lifted his arm, one finger raised, and hailed the passing waitstaff. "Ah, excuse me. I believe we're ready to order."
"Ah? Go ahead, then." The young man pulled pad and pencil from his apron.
"We'll have everything on the menu, please." Hakkai's smile was bright, harmless, beaming at its most persuasive.
The poor waiter fumbled his pencil. "E-everything? Sir?"
"Yes. If it's not too much trouble." Hakkai had folded his hands over the pile of gold on the table, but slid one pellet forward into view. "I assure you, we can pay such a bill in full."
"A-ah. Very well, Sir. Honored guests." Eyes on the small piece of gold, the waiter made a half-bowing sort of nod to Hakkai and Goku and fled to the kitchen.
"Here." Gojyo returned, throwing a modestly-sized rough-woven pouch down in front of Hakkai. "S'all they had. Gonna go scrub my hands raw now--I can't believe you made me touch dragon poop."
"A moment." Hakkai paused to assist Jiipu in climbing up to his shoulder, then slid two pellets aside to cover the cost of their dinner before gesturing at the pile. "Please be kind enough to put the gold in the purse before you wash. It only makes sense."
"But Hakkai--!"
"Gojyo."
"...'Ch." Gojyo's mouth twisted in a fair (and likely unconscious) imitation of Sanzo's most annoyed sneer; he swept the gold into the linen bag, dropped it heavily in front of Hakkai, and stomped off toward the washroom. Jiipu clearly heard him muttering under his breath on the order of "Hakkai better damn well handle the money himself from here on out, since he obviously doesn't mind that it came out of his dragon's ass!"
Jiipu gave a tiny snort and draped himself around the back of Hakkai's neck, weary but smugly content. The transformative process for producing the gold was entirely sanitary, of course; Hakkai had presumed as much, obviously, but Gojyo clearly was not of a mind to be convinced of that fact and there seemed little sense in trying.
Besides, Jiipu found things rather more satisfying this way, anyhow.
=====
Started: 5/6/09
Drafted: 11/23/09
Posted: 6/29/10
*The bit about turning into a beautiful woman--my brain promptly went '*glee* Jeep can do Sexy no Jutsu!!! XD' So instead of turning into a WWII Jeep Willys, he turns into a classic Corvette with all the hips and curves, right? Vroom, baby. Really, though, there's probably a fic in the Jeep-becomes-a-beautiful-woman idea, too. Hmm.
konnyakuhonyaku there were translations posted last Spring of the comparative analysis section of Saiyuubito, wherein Minekura compares the original Journey to the West characters with her own Saiyuki counterparts. The end of Jeep's section contains this enlightening little tidbit:The original dragon horse helps out Goku and the others by turning into a beautiful woman, and marking with golden poo and the like.*
This is perhaps the worst Jeep fic ever, but the bunny was rabid and it bit hard. Oh, god, I can't believe I wrote this. Please forgive me. T_T
Title: When the Chips Are Down
Author: TJ Dragonblade
Fandom: Saiyuki
Rated: 13+, (mostly) for language
Genre: Gen-fic
Characters: The Sanzo-less Party
Wordcount: 1776
Setting: An alternate take on the 'sell my body' scene, Reload vol 7.
Warning: If the notations under 'character' and 'setting' don't ring a bell, then beware mild spoilers ahead. Also, I point your attention to the phrase 'golden poo' above. >_<
Disclaimer: Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura. No disrespect or copyright infringement intended.
Summary: When money is scarce, Jiipu helps out.
~~~***~~~
This was ridiculous.
This entire situation was completely ridiculous.
Here they were, a joint entity of noble purpose (if not always noble means) for well over a year, and their head had suddenly up and abandoned them.
Jiipu was sure that Sanzo had his reasons, but he was not inclined to be entirely forgiving of such a trespass just yet.
Especially when things had come to this.
"Are you telling me," Hakkai said, and his voice was soft, low, with a cold and dangerous edge, "that two grown men, at your ages, who have never worked an honest day between you, are asking me to sell my body to support you?"
Gojyo and Goku, in an admirable nod to their survival instincts, fell all over themselves trying to assure him that it needn't come to that.
"Kidding! I was KIDDING!"
"I'll do whatever ya say, Hakkai!"
Jiipu snorted, unimpressed. Hakkai was somewhat less cynical, and rather more encouraging.
"Well, then," he said, and the threat in his voice was gone as though it had never existed, "why don't the two of you figure out what sort of jobs you'd be best at so that all of us can begin looking for work in the morning?"
"I...could...tend bar, maybe?" Gojyo sounded to be grasping at straws.
"Yeah, yeah, an' I'll help out in th' kitchens or somethin'!"
"Or maybe some hot nightspot could use a handsome guy like me to let the ladies in, eh?"
Goku snorted. "Right, 'cause this place is just crammed fulla hot nightspots."
"Every town's gotta have one, at least!"
"If they do, then it's more like they need me to help keep pervy cockroach-kappas like you out!"
"Listen monkey--"
"Both of you, stay on track, please," Hakkai interrupted, a thin layer of steel underneath the mild words.
And so the conversation went, in fits and starts; Jiipu sighed, contemplated, and came to a decision. Hakkai would manage quite well on his own, to be sure, but the other two would be absolutely hopeless at anything they were listing off. He was quite certain that Hakkai had not been serious about selling his body, but Jiipu was not about to let any of his charges fall so low as that regardless.
"Kyuu," he chirped, interrupting Gojyo's speculations as to what a bouncer at the local strip bar might get paid, and hopped up onto the table with a quick flutter of wings. He circled a time or two next to Hakkai, gathering what remained of his transformative energies and steeling himself for what he was about to do. Gojyo would have scathing words to say about it for many months to come, he was quite sure, but his own pride became a secondary consideration in the face of their dire circumstances.
"Jiipu? What is it?"
"Kyuu," he answered, dismissive reassurance to Hakkai's concern; then, with as much dignity as he could muster, Jiipu squatted.
"Eww, Hakkai, I think he needs to--"
Goku's words were cut off by the soft rattling plink of several small, metallic pellets dropping to the table's surface from beneath Jiipu's tail.
There was silence for a few seconds, then:
"Holy crap--the little fucker can shit gold??"
"Gojyo," Hakkai admonished, but his eyes were round and wide. Tentatively he reached to touch one of the pellets, then picked it up to examine more closely.
"It...appears to be genuine gold," he said at last, straightening his monocle, and placed the pellet carefully back atop the rest. "What remarkable good fortune."
"Awesome!" exclaimed Goku, leaning closer to the pile for a better look. "This means we can eat as much as we want, right?"
"Within reason, Goku," Hakkai allowed, beginning to recover from his surprise. "Having money is no reason to squander it at first opportunity."
"Even with Poop the Magic Dragon, here?" Gojyo's jubilant grin was entirely irreverent, as was the finger he poked at Jiipu's belly. "I mean yeah, it's gross, but I bet he could keep us living like kings the whole way to India, if he wanted. All he's gotta do is take a dump whenever we run out of cash!" He reached to ruffle Jiipu's head, the way he often did with Goku.
Jiipu was exhausted, having expended so much of his transformative energy; producing gold was infinitely more difficult and draining than turning into a Jeep, and he had already been driving the full day beforehand. He was in absolutely no mood for idiocy, well intentioned or otherwise.
He bit.
"Ow!" Gojyo jerked back, nursing his finger, and glared. "Listen here, you little--"
Gojyo made as if to grab at him, but stopped short when Hakkai's hand clamped around his wrist. Jiipu noted Gojyo's wince with no small amount of vindictive satisfaction.
"Gojyo," Hakkai admonished again, a rather frigid note to it this time. Light glanced from the lens of his monocle.
Gojyo shook his hand free. "Aw, come on, Hakkai! You're lettin' him get away with that? Just 'cause the damn monk's not here doesn't mean the dragon's gotta take over bein' all bitchy and sour-tempered!"
Jiipu hissed, feeling every bit as sour-tempered as Gojyo had accused.
"Jiipu is quite obviously exhausted," Hakkai said, in a tone that brooked no argument and threatened dire consequences to any who failed to take heed. "If his temper is somewhat frayed, you and I and Goku will cater to his mood accordingly. He has done us a great kindness, wouldn't you agree?"
"Well--I...yeah, but--" Gojyo visibly ran up against the stone wall of Hakkai's will; he blinked once, twice, and deflated. He blew out a frustrated huff of resignation and changed the subject. "So why's he never done it before?"
"We've always had the Sanbutsushin's gold card, in the past," Hakkai reminded him, most of the danger easing out of his tone. "It's clear to see that this was quite a difficult thing for him to manage, and I imagine he's only done so now because our situation has sunk low enough to merit whatever it costs him."
"Kyuu," Jiipu agreed, entirely grateful for Hakkai's intelligence. He glowered at Gojyo a brief moment longer, just for good measure.
Gojyo rolled his eyes, but managed to restrain himself from making any other sort of comeback.
"So we don't hafta find jobs, and we keep goin' an' beat Sanzo to the West, right?" Goku, wisely silent throughout Hakkai's reprimand, brought the conversation's focus back where it belonged.
"Yes, I suppose that's true," Hakkai agreed, straightening up. "But we can certainly eat well and get a good night's sleep first. Tonight, you may order whatever you like, Goku."
Goku's eyes went large and round, shining just like the gold on the table. "Really? Anything I want?"
Jiipu decided that putting that much happiness in the boy's face, however briefly and particularly given Sanzo's absence, made the sacrifice of his own dignity all the more worth it.
"Yes," Hakkai beamed; then added, at Goku's enthusiastic exclamation, "But please, do share with Jiipu; he needs to replenish his strength."
"Okay, Hakkai!" Goku leaned across the table and past the pile of gold, scooped up Jiipu and plopped him unceremoniously where his own plate belonged, then snapped up the sizeable menu card so they both could browse. "So, Jiipu, whaddya wanna eat?" He hardly drew breath--much less gave Jiipu time to answer--then: "We should have steamed buns and meat buns and fried rice and sticky rice an' spring rolls an' onion tempura an' teriyaki eggplant an' ginger chicken an' roast duck an' plum sauce an' stir-fried beef an' lo mein an' chow mein an' yakisoba an'--"
Jiipu tuned him out for a moment, satisfied that there would be plenty for everyone.
"What happened to 'within reason'?" Gojyo muttered underneath Goku's excitement. He slumped in his chair and fumbled his lighter out of his pocket, an unlit cigarette between his lips.
Hakkai turned to him, smile razor-bright and blindingly cheerful. "Gojyo, take two gold pieces and procure us a room for the night, please. Also, ask them to find us a suitable purse so that we can carry the rest of this."
"Fuck no, I'm not touching that! I saw where it came from!"
"Gojyo."
"...Fuck. Fine, dammit! FINE!" Gojyo jabbed the cigarette behind his ear, swiped two of the gold pellets from the table and stalked off toward the front desk.
Jiipu smirked.
"--an' takoyaki an' yakiniku an' shrimp tempura and th' barbecued pork, an' some potstickers," Goku was saying, and Jiipu chirped his agreement.
Hakkai lifted his arm, one finger raised, and hailed the passing waitstaff. "Ah, excuse me. I believe we're ready to order."
"Ah? Go ahead, then." The young man pulled pad and pencil from his apron.
"We'll have everything on the menu, please." Hakkai's smile was bright, harmless, beaming at its most persuasive.
The poor waiter fumbled his pencil. "E-everything? Sir?"
"Yes. If it's not too much trouble." Hakkai had folded his hands over the pile of gold on the table, but slid one pellet forward into view. "I assure you, we can pay such a bill in full."
"A-ah. Very well, Sir. Honored guests." Eyes on the small piece of gold, the waiter made a half-bowing sort of nod to Hakkai and Goku and fled to the kitchen.
"Here." Gojyo returned, throwing a modestly-sized rough-woven pouch down in front of Hakkai. "S'all they had. Gonna go scrub my hands raw now--I can't believe you made me touch dragon poop."
"A moment." Hakkai paused to assist Jiipu in climbing up to his shoulder, then slid two pellets aside to cover the cost of their dinner before gesturing at the pile. "Please be kind enough to put the gold in the purse before you wash. It only makes sense."
"But Hakkai--!"
"Gojyo."
"...'Ch." Gojyo's mouth twisted in a fair (and likely unconscious) imitation of Sanzo's most annoyed sneer; he swept the gold into the linen bag, dropped it heavily in front of Hakkai, and stomped off toward the washroom. Jiipu clearly heard him muttering under his breath on the order of "Hakkai better damn well handle the money himself from here on out, since he obviously doesn't mind that it came out of his dragon's ass!"
Jiipu gave a tiny snort and draped himself around the back of Hakkai's neck, weary but smugly content. The transformative process for producing the gold was entirely sanitary, of course; Hakkai had presumed as much, obviously, but Gojyo clearly was not of a mind to be convinced of that fact and there seemed little sense in trying.
Besides, Jiipu found things rather more satisfying this way, anyhow.
=====
Started: 5/6/09
Drafted: 11/23/09
Posted: 6/29/10
*The bit about turning into a beautiful woman--my brain promptly went '*glee* Jeep can do Sexy no Jutsu!!! XD' So instead of turning into a WWII Jeep Willys, he turns into a classic Corvette with all the hips and curves, right? Vroom, baby. Really, though, there's probably a fic in the Jeep-becomes-a-beautiful-woman idea, too. Hmm.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-07-05 03:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-30 05:39 am (UTC)Glad you got a kick out of it. ^_^♥