tj_dragonblade (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tj_dragonblade) wrote2008-04-06 01:15 am
tj_dragonblade) wrote2008-04-06 01:15 am
Possible signs that I place WAY too much importance on my fandom life
I honestly don't know why I'm posting this, except that I seem to have a need to talk it through before I go do what I'm pretty well already decided to do.
I think I'm going to read a fic. Or few.
This is of course not a strange thing in and of itself. But...see, it's DS9 slash fic. And while sure I spent a good three years or so thoroughly immersed/obsessed in the show back in the day (has it really been...holy crap, it's been 13 years since then...), it predates my exposure to yaoi/slash. Garak and Bashir were always my absolute favorite characters (hell, I had a very Sue-ish virginal crush on Bashir with many a ficcish entry in my old diaries to prove it, but we won't go into that. ^_^; ). But I never, ever would have thought to put them together. I was only just beginning to grow beyond the tenets of the religion in which I'd been raised; sex (much less homosexuality or anything resembling it) was pretty well the farthest thing from my mind.
That said, I fully recognize that if I was discovering the fandom now, the probability is astronomically high that I'd be a die-hard rabid Garak/Bashir fangirl. The idea appeals to me, I can look back and see boatloads of material to go from, and truth be told, there's a part of me that counts myself a silent fangirl and wants to go exploring it now anyway.
But. On the other hand, there's the fact that slash relationships in fandoms that predate my introduction to slash weird me out like you wouldn't believe. Something on the order of tampering with childhood nostalgia/innocence/illusions and the like. Which has left the whole idea of Garak/Bashir tucked up in the corner shelf of the back storage closet in my mind.
Until a couple days ago. See, in the course of recent KakaIru binge reading, I turned up an author's website containing a nice neat list of everything s/he's written by fandom, and a couple sections below Naruto it said DS9. With three fics listed, all Garak/Bashir, none of them rated below R.
I can't tell you how long I stared at that, deliberating, pondering, dancing back and forth on the issues in my head, blushing all the while, no less, hovering over the links and not quite sure if I really wanted to click.
In the end, I left it alone.
But the idea has not returned the favor. It's been quietly poking at the back of my brain ever since, insidious and subversive (it's Garak, for gods' sakes; what else did I expect?); I've gone back and stared at the links awhile more one day, avoided them the next, went back and actually clicked one, skimmed far enough to place the story in canon and then hastily retreated before I could really absorb anything else.
I'm...wary, cautious...or perhaps skittish, I guess is the best word. I'd liken it to running into an old friend after several years and discovering that what used to be purely platonic now has a sexual undercurrent and trying to decide if exploring that undercurrent is worth risking/altering the old friendship.
Do I want to sexualize these characters in my mind? Yes, of course, says one part of my mind, and Oh dear lord what am I *thinking*? says another.
I'm reminded of my introduction to Hakuryuu porn, in a way, with the equal pull of fascination vs. squick.
Seeing how well that's turned out, though, it's something of an inevitibility that I'd break down and read the fics. I mean, stepping outside one's comfort zones every so often is a good thing, right?
There's also the concern about quality of writing - is it going to be IC? Feel right? God help me, I don't think I could handle Garak and mushy-sap in any context to one another without suffering a mental processor crash of biblical proportions. Error. Error. Does not compute.
But this author in question did a perfectly decent job of it with KakaIru, so odds are the Garak/Bashir wouldn't be dreadfully OOC either. That really can't be an excuse.
Neither can the pre-slash fandom thing, honestly, when I look at Xmen and where I tend to stand on Logurt nowadays. It's really just a matter of deciding to pursue and getting past that threshold.
Which I guess means I'm off to read. The R-rated one; plunging headlong into an NC17 is probably not the best of ideas at this point. Really, I'd probably do better with a softer rating straight out of the gate, but...well. Here I am.
Wish me luck.
...And it's odd as fucking hell that the iPod should present with the current music as I'm writing this post - DS9 is the only reason I know and have the song. Though I'd like very much to have a version with Avery Brooks' vocals, instead. *eyes the Pod with suspicion*
I think I'm going to read a fic. Or few.
This is of course not a strange thing in and of itself. But...see, it's DS9 slash fic. And while sure I spent a good three years or so thoroughly immersed/obsessed in the show back in the day (has it really been...holy crap, it's been 13 years since then...), it predates my exposure to yaoi/slash. Garak and Bashir were always my absolute favorite characters (hell, I had a very Sue-ish virginal crush on Bashir with many a ficcish entry in my old diaries to prove it, but we won't go into that. ^_^; ). But I never, ever would have thought to put them together. I was only just beginning to grow beyond the tenets of the religion in which I'd been raised; sex (much less homosexuality or anything resembling it) was pretty well the farthest thing from my mind.
That said, I fully recognize that if I was discovering the fandom now, the probability is astronomically high that I'd be a die-hard rabid Garak/Bashir fangirl. The idea appeals to me, I can look back and see boatloads of material to go from, and truth be told, there's a part of me that counts myself a silent fangirl and wants to go exploring it now anyway.
But. On the other hand, there's the fact that slash relationships in fandoms that predate my introduction to slash weird me out like you wouldn't believe. Something on the order of tampering with childhood nostalgia/innocence/illusions and the like. Which has left the whole idea of Garak/Bashir tucked up in the corner shelf of the back storage closet in my mind.
Until a couple days ago. See, in the course of recent KakaIru binge reading, I turned up an author's website containing a nice neat list of everything s/he's written by fandom, and a couple sections below Naruto it said DS9. With three fics listed, all Garak/Bashir, none of them rated below R.
I can't tell you how long I stared at that, deliberating, pondering, dancing back and forth on the issues in my head, blushing all the while, no less, hovering over the links and not quite sure if I really wanted to click.
In the end, I left it alone.
But the idea has not returned the favor. It's been quietly poking at the back of my brain ever since, insidious and subversive (it's Garak, for gods' sakes; what else did I expect?); I've gone back and stared at the links awhile more one day, avoided them the next, went back and actually clicked one, skimmed far enough to place the story in canon and then hastily retreated before I could really absorb anything else.
I'm...wary, cautious...or perhaps skittish, I guess is the best word. I'd liken it to running into an old friend after several years and discovering that what used to be purely platonic now has a sexual undercurrent and trying to decide if exploring that undercurrent is worth risking/altering the old friendship.
Do I want to sexualize these characters in my mind? Yes, of course, says one part of my mind, and Oh dear lord what am I *thinking*? says another.
I'm reminded of my introduction to Hakuryuu porn, in a way, with the equal pull of fascination vs. squick.
Seeing how well that's turned out, though, it's something of an inevitibility that I'd break down and read the fics. I mean, stepping outside one's comfort zones every so often is a good thing, right?
There's also the concern about quality of writing - is it going to be IC? Feel right? God help me, I don't think I could handle Garak and mushy-sap in any context to one another without suffering a mental processor crash of biblical proportions. Error. Error. Does not compute.
But this author in question did a perfectly decent job of it with KakaIru, so odds are the Garak/Bashir wouldn't be dreadfully OOC either. That really can't be an excuse.
Neither can the pre-slash fandom thing, honestly, when I look at Xmen and where I tend to stand on Logurt nowadays. It's really just a matter of deciding to pursue and getting past that threshold.
Which I guess means I'm off to read. The R-rated one; plunging headlong into an NC17 is probably not the best of ideas at this point. Really, I'd probably do better with a softer rating straight out of the gate, but...well. Here I am.
Wish me luck.
...And it's odd as fucking hell that the iPod should present with the current music as I'm writing this post - DS9 is the only reason I know and have the song. Though I'd like very much to have a version with Avery Brooks' vocals, instead. *eyes the Pod with suspicion*
no subject
...not really, does he, aside from a certain stubborn tenacity in the face of mystery that they both exhibit in their own ways. I'm beginning to realize that my perception of his character is roughly 13 years out of date and about as dusty as one might expect. I was never looking for much beyond the surface back then. Y'know, as in, never really considered the implications and depths of any background info revealed, just sort of took everybody relatively at face value. And that's another reason I'm keen on exploring this from a fanfic perspective - I've found in the last seven or so years that reading and/or writing fic leads me to deeper exploration of character. I can't write a body very well without some sort of understanding of what's underneath the surface, and even just reading fic - the whole text accompaniment (vs. just the visual presentation by actors or animation) tends to be more enlightening, give a character more solid dimension...ack. I don't know that I'm making a whole lot of sense, but reading a character (fanwork or canon) tends to help me get a better grasp on him than I get just from watching canon.
I haven't gone poking at your RP just yet, but I'm building a foundation to get there. Found a fan comm, found a fic site, read a few more things. Haven't stumbled into any all-out porn just yet, but I've read a couple of tastefully mild two-paragraph scenes and one fairly explicit make-out that did the scene-cut as soon as all the clothes came off. And the squeamishness is on a swift decline, so I'll probably be up for genuine porn in no time. ^_^♥
I do believe I'm going to like this as a fandom experience. ^_^